The most wonderful feeling…

We were hanging out on a field under a tree.  You were lying just beside me while I sat reading.  I felt your hand reach out for mine and the new feeling I get was great as I savor the touch of your hand.

You pulled me close and reach out to kiss me softly and gentlly.  I did not expect that, for I’ve always had a crush on you and you never knew.

I didn’t care that the kiss was forbidden. It’s the most wonderful feeling I could get at that moment and it may never happen again.

Now I see you everyday remembering that dream I had of you.  Thinking back to that kiss and seeing your face brings a smile to mine and gets me through the day.

I continue to crush on you.

Born Free

I always thought that I had a carefree spirit.  A person who doesn’t care about anyone’s expectation, do what I please, hang out with whoever I like, until I got caught in the race race.  A society that judge you by your background, your education, your work experience and your character.

I never saw the difference between races.  I was comfortable to be with anyone, to date any race.  I had a few boyfriends who were Chinese, Malay, Caucasian, Filipino and even Indian (Ok, he wasn’t pure Indian).  And the most ideal relationships I had, was with the non-chinese.

I guess I’m a dreamer.  I’m not saying that the Chinese are not, they are just more ambitious.  And I’m not saying that the other races are not, maybe they’re just not as competitive and just want to enjoy life.  Then again, I’m also not saying that Chinese people do not want to enjoy life.  It’s just that difference races have their own perception of fun.

For the Chinese, I guess it’s having the money to spend on anything they want and that makes them happy.  That’s why they work so hard to get that money, just to be happy.  For the Malays, they probably have the money too, but they enjoy things that doesn’t require a single penny to enjoy.  I could be wrong.  There are general things that different races do, but what makes them unique is their upbringing, the friends they keep and probably the kind of parents they have.

Like my parents, they expect certain things from me that I probably did not thought of or want.  But because from young, they drill that into my heads that I started to want them too, and eventually expect the same from the people around me.

However, in the rarest moments, I’d be surround with people who makes me feel free, makes me want to get out of the rat race and find joy in other things.  That’s when I start to get confused.  Start to crave for another kind of life.  Start to resent what I do.  Start to see the people around me differently.

It’s like from one moment I’m a corporate bitch and the other moment I’m a flower child.  I think I want to be a flower child.  Because the real world scares me.  The competition scares me.

I envy the people who are not afraid to live the way they want to.  To have the life they want.  To go out and get the freedom they deserve.  They are not afraid of being judged, to be stereotyped.  I wish I have that courage.  Why do I not have it?

I’ve been brought up and influence to want so many things.  Why can’t I just be happy with what I have?

Can I change now and still fight for what I believe is right for me?  Is it too late?  Am I too deep in my journey to the ‘right’ way of life?  I think deep down inside, I never wanted to get married.  I’m happy just having a boyfriend, or a few boyfriends  When I feel like it, I want to enjoy the company of certain people.

I like to play safe, yet I wanna take risks.  How do I fix this?

I want you… but I’m afraid.